I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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