I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
