I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
