Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
