this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
