Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
