Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
