he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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