I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
