FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
