help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
