Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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