i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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