She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
