Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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