i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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