I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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