i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
