I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
