i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
