i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
