So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
