i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
