I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
