Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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