I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
