also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
