Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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