Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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