My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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