I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
