I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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