xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
