My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We talked him into tasing himself.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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