his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
