I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
