My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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