Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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