I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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