im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
