In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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