I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
