I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
