im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
