just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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