Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
