i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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