lets start a swedish sibling band together
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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