i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just found puke in my bra..
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
It's no shave November. This is our time.
not ubering you a puppy
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
