evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
